Love. Who we love, how we love, why we love, who’s love we took, who’s love we mistook, who loved us, who didn’t love us, who we wished loved us less, who we wished loved us more.
I’ve been toiling with the definition of love for this quarter of my life, mainly because it has begun to affect me in ways that it didn’t in the first two quarters. My ability to unplug without effort has resulted in a number of physical misfires (losing weight, anxiety, creativity disengagement). A tune up is in order, otherwise I may have to filter all my fluids, replace my transmission, dismantle my engine…to dramatic? Ok, I’ll continue to have writer’s block. I tried to plug into family and friends for a jump start (because that’s what all the cool kids are doing. Holding hands, babies in baby carriages, picket fences). The result? I slowly began to realize their faulty wiring caused power surges, recalls and combustible explosions in me. I get it, floatation devices, face masks, gloves, Clorox wipes. I’m ready, set...tangent.
I'm not a super religious person and the scriptures that I quote in this piece are strictly from google. However, I have a severe desire to uncover the logistical comprehension of love. Plus, I read the bible like a (nonfiction) novel full of parables and allegories to navigate this primarily fiction world.
I now see why I never plugged into others growing up, even those I share DNA with. I realized early on that love does not exist without conditions. We love with an expectation that man (woman) will love us without conditions and the truth is, they don’t even love themselves without conditions. Only God loves without conditions. He advises us to love in the way that he loves, but he does not advise us to expect that love from man (woman). He actually tells us NOT to expect it from them.
“For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.” James 3:2 not to be confused by King Lebron James.” I don’t know what bridle means, but I know for a fact there is no perfect man (except Jack Peterson from This is Us). Who tha’ fuck knew !?! Forgive me God. Even that. I just cursed during a conversation about a scripture. Man, would condemn me, curse me, throw holy water on me with a scripture. What does God say, “He has not punished us as we deserve for all our sins, for his mercy toward those who fear and honor him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.” Ok, actually Psalm said that (not Psalm West, but the Psalm in the bible).
We feel deficient because the love we receive from man is conditional. Why? He was made in God’s image, so he has the ability to love without conditions, but to expect something to move just because it has wheels is insane. Who tha’ fuck knew !?! and again, God says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” we all know a few John’s, well, one of the John’s said that. That my friend, is unconditional love.
God literally forgave me twice in this thinkpiece. So love with all your heart, your soul, your everything, God’s unconditional, merciful love will shower on you so much, you won’t need it from that man or woman. You never needed it from that man or that woman for which God sent you here (parents). Sure, it would have been nice, but even our parents love us with conditions. Have you met them? Talked to them? Do you know their story? They don’t even love themselves without condition. And that’s OK. They were built to, but just as I had to get a tune-up, they did or do too and they may not have gone through that process before you or I arrived in this world. Plus, that process is lifelong and continuous. How many oil changes does your vehicle undergo in its lifespan?
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift - Be a pineapple, stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside (fali_davids) - Running away from myself but that’s who I ran to (IG sadtexter) - I’ll breath again, all I need is the air that I choose to breath (song) - Stop breaking yourself down into bite sized pieces. Stay whole and let them choke (the internets)
As an introvert, the stay-at-home order has me ELATED. When I'm in, it's just Prada and I. She's a cat, we love being alone, together and when I get too chatty, she leaves the room. It's paradise. When I need more social interaction, I go outside and talk to the trees and bugs.