So Many Tears
Updated: Sep 6, 2019
We're all gonna die. Sorry to open so dark, but I promise it gets better. We don't get much say on how or when, but we do get to decide how we live. So do it, decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? kinder? more compassionate?
One of the most beautiful parts about my grandmother was that everyone experienced her in their own distinctive way. I would describe my grandmother as stoic. I inherited that trait from her and I’m proud of it, despite the connotation that it means one lacks emotion.
It’s not that we don’t feel, it’s just that we don’t get all captivated by the experience.
But in my grandmother’s presence, I felt her peace, her strength, her compassion, her humility and her patience. She had a dignified presence that took very little effort. Head to toe. In her later years, when her voice was no longer audible, I could hear the love in her eyes, it was loud. Her love, her compassion, her humility, her strength was always loud and full of emotion. It drowned out doubt and insecurity and wishful thinking which we sometimes allow taking our air, our freedom, our control. As if we can’t decide how to be. As if there is some force keeping us from being the purest version of ourselves. I truly believe that deep down within each of our spirits, in our purest form we are loving, strong, , empathetic, patient and humble, but we deny it for whatever reason. When ish gets real, when it starts to hurt, when we get angry at a person, a place, a thing, a situation, Every single time, we can pull out a sword so sharp and heavy that using it will cause us to hurt ourselves as well as others, or we can Decide. I don’t think my grandmother decided to be kind or compassionate, she didn’t decide to nurture people who're families couldn’t or did not desire to care for them, due to age, physical deformities or mental disabilities. She didn’t decide to bring in all these random animals, lord knows my grandmother kept a slew of random animals (and people) around her.
She made a decision to follow her spirit, the residual effect was that everyone within the sound of her clicking heels on a tiled floor was loved unconditionally. I’m so grateful and thankful that my grandmother never denied her spirit. She loved and She was and will always be my compass to guide me to that part of myself.
Each of us with breath in our bodies can decide. And realize this, in order to be remembered, in order to leave something significant behind, you have to leave. So to my grandmother,
Well done, good and faithful servant!